She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
