Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
