Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
