Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
