Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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