today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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