he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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