I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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