I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
