I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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