I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
