3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
