dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.