Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk