I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
