I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
