I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
