Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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