Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
