You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
