We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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