How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
