As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
