K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
