if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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