is your mom at the bar?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
