we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
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He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
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A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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