Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Every concussion has its silver lining
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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