I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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