I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I need water and some morals
My bed smells like the plague
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
