Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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