I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
