You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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