Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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