God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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