i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
