the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
