i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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