he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
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asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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