bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
