it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
