last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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