just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
