I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just blew my weed a kiss
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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