I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
40s are totally the cure
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
