I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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