Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
