Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
