she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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