I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
