I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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