Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
