I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Please don't give away my fajitas
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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