Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
