dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
