sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
