I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
