Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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