so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
