I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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